Friendships

Friendship is a special thing......it means having someone to walk through life events alone.

Moving: onward, upward and forward!

Funny how moving motivates me to examine my life...again. I am moving on: to the next phase of my life, I am moving upward into things that I have not been before: a better friend, taking hold of some things that God has placed before me, He is leading my way! I am moving forward: forgetting and allowing dead things to remain dead, forgiving and accepting others as they are and me as I am.

To move, means to leave things behind. You can't move and stay where you are at the same time. I am moving, this is a sign of life to me, an indicator of "newness" of life and a motivator to continue to pursue the Bigger picture! To allow God to paint the canvas of my life with His mighty "paintbrush"

Lying to Oneself

Ok, so you want more out of life and you go for it...in the pursuit of this you come across those that appear to be on your side but indeed they are not, they simply have been posing as something they are not....tonight I am both angry and dissapointed with what I have interpreted as truth in others that indeed does not turn out to be what I "assumed"...
Angry at myself not at others but at my own "gullibility"

Denial: Playing it safe; living in disguise; hiding out in the bushes of the crowd to avoid being outed a singular identity....Crowds deceive because they lump everyone into a "title" or "class"...but who are you? really? when no one else is around?...

In Search of the new me

The past few weeks even months have brought me face to face with conflict; with others and mostly with myself. Conflict about who I am and who I'd like to be. Some changes have been subtle; like slowly but very deliberately updating my wardrobe and my hairstyle. Some things have shocked me into change...like facing that some of my ideas and perceptions of others have been misinterpreted or that I have even against all reality chosen to believe a fantasy about what the other person truly can or cannot deliver as part of the deal as "part of being in my life" I don't like that I wish I could be more free to try new things. There are things that I have never been able to get past being afraid of, like learning how to swim, or something as simple as running, since I have never been a runner. But last week I decided that I would take the challenge! I will run, I will pace myself and I will learn to run, to run with endurance, to run with passion and to train and exercise discipline in my life like never before!...Crazy? yeah I think it is too...in 2012 I will be 50, which probably has somehow prompted me to take a look at me...in a deeper more loving way...Who am I? What do I want to do? What matters to me?
I know the answer is buried deep beneath my fears and insecurities. Some things are big and some are small, but to the person who holds this all inside afraid to try, it's all BIG! DREAMS ARE MADE OF WEIGHTY STUFF! THIS IS WHY SO FEW ADMIT TO HAVE DREAMS AT ALL! IT IS SCARY STUFF, BUT OH SO GOOD! GOD IS THE GIVER OF OUR DREAMS AND ONLY WITH HIS POWER AND BLESSING CAN WE/I LIVE THEM OUT!

The Most Frightening Thing In Life You'll Ever Face

Is yourself. Funny when you think about how much one can avoid being alone, feeling alone or bored. Some us seldom ever give ourselves a chance to feel any of these things...ever. I remember being so afraid to feel alone, or bored, but when I managed to face it and sit still...I was amazed at the revelation that came to me. I enjoyed myself, I enjoyed my own company. It was like looking into the mirror of my soul for the very first time. Yes I saw things that I wish were not there and certainly there were things in me that I did'nt like or even want. I learned that the things that have passed through me are over, but the dreams, desires and even fears; these I have control over, these I can take possession of. Sometimes the things that smother or hinder our progress are things that have a hold on us, and merely "letting go" is not sufficient....We must ask God to have "it" let go of us. There are many 'dead bones' in the closet of my soul, ah but I am cleaning house....the ghosts of things that once ran my spiritual home are now to be discarded, not buried but removed from the premises of my heart.

Rememberances

Why is that sometimes things long thought forgotten rise up from the shadows and beg you to reckon with them? Old hurts, old haunts, old scars. You know like when you get a sunburn, after it hurts, it peels and then the skin is so new and tender..that even the breeze that blows on it feels different. I feel like this right now....there are things that I have shoved in the closet of discards that are calling my name...so maybe in all the trash I have accidentally thrown out pieces of myself. aahhh....I have my work cut out for me...but even though I know it will probably not be fun, it will be good. Open heart surgery awaits me, the scalpel of God will wound me and free the bad to release the good.....

Checking up on my Dreams!

So last night, I stayed up and watched a movie: "Educating Rita" which stars Michael Caine and Julie Walters. I first saw this movie I suppose in the 80's back when I was a 20ish year old mother of three small children high school drop out...I remember that this movie moved me immensely. In the movie there is a very "un" educated woman named Rita who decides to get an education, she is married and a bit older than the traditional student. Her tutor is Michael Caine, a washed up has been poet who is rarely sober! She demands that he teach her how to speak and be like the "educated" crowd. Wow, she is desperate. Her husband feels threatened, he can't understand why life is just not good enough for her, hanging out at the pub (the movie was filmed in Ireland), being married to him and trying to have babies. She insists she can't have babies until she knows herself. Aaahh..sometimes we can't fully grasp how far we've come until we take a stroll down memory lane. I used to be Rita. I had to watch this movie just to see if it still moved me and really to remember what it was that moved me in the first place. It was about finding a "new song" to sing. Chasing the dream, even when most would act as if there is no such thing. I thank my God for giving me not just a dream but many to pursue and chase after. Watching this movie made me cry again, it reminded me of the girl I used to be, but no longer am. It reminded me of the great price I have had to sometimes pay to go after those dreams. In the movie, the marriage does'nt survive nor did it in my case. In the movie she ended up thanking her alcoholic professor for teaching her and believing her. In my story I thank the alcoholic in my life whose disease motivated me to believe there had to be a different song to sing. They part as grateful friends for in the end she helps him find his way too. In my story we too are friends, grateful for our experience and lovely because of our wounds.