In Search of the new me

The past few weeks even months have brought me face to face with conflict; with others and mostly with myself. Conflict about who I am and who I'd like to be. Some changes have been subtle; like slowly but very deliberately updating my wardrobe and my hairstyle. Some things have shocked me into change...like facing that some of my ideas and perceptions of others have been misinterpreted or that I have even against all reality chosen to believe a fantasy about what the other person truly can or cannot deliver as part of the deal as "part of being in my life" I don't like that I wish I could be more free to try new things. There are things that I have never been able to get past being afraid of, like learning how to swim, or something as simple as running, since I have never been a runner. But last week I decided that I would take the challenge! I will run, I will pace myself and I will learn to run, to run with endurance, to run with passion and to train and exercise discipline in my life like never before!...Crazy? yeah I think it is too...in 2012 I will be 50, which probably has somehow prompted me to take a look at me...in a deeper more loving way...Who am I? What do I want to do? What matters to me?
I know the answer is buried deep beneath my fears and insecurities. Some things are big and some are small, but to the person who holds this all inside afraid to try, it's all BIG! DREAMS ARE MADE OF WEIGHTY STUFF! THIS IS WHY SO FEW ADMIT TO HAVE DREAMS AT ALL! IT IS SCARY STUFF, BUT OH SO GOOD! GOD IS THE GIVER OF OUR DREAMS AND ONLY WITH HIS POWER AND BLESSING CAN WE/I LIVE THEM OUT!

The Most Frightening Thing In Life You'll Ever Face

Is yourself. Funny when you think about how much one can avoid being alone, feeling alone or bored. Some us seldom ever give ourselves a chance to feel any of these things...ever. I remember being so afraid to feel alone, or bored, but when I managed to face it and sit still...I was amazed at the revelation that came to me. I enjoyed myself, I enjoyed my own company. It was like looking into the mirror of my soul for the very first time. Yes I saw things that I wish were not there and certainly there were things in me that I did'nt like or even want. I learned that the things that have passed through me are over, but the dreams, desires and even fears; these I have control over, these I can take possession of. Sometimes the things that smother or hinder our progress are things that have a hold on us, and merely "letting go" is not sufficient....We must ask God to have "it" let go of us. There are many 'dead bones' in the closet of my soul, ah but I am cleaning house....the ghosts of things that once ran my spiritual home are now to be discarded, not buried but removed from the premises of my heart.